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estemilyrose

Misinterpretation

You think you know who you are, you think you know exactly what you want to be
Then someone comes strolling in, carelessly
You long for their approval, their “ok” to do things that make you happy

You try to remind yourself that this is what you wanted
But nothing has ever felt so destructive and manipulative
Nothing has ever shown you so much hate but tried to convince you otherwise

Now you’re confused, and you don’t know up from down
You’re hands are broken and bleeding from holding on so fucking tight
To something that is pulling so hard and strong in the opposite direction

But because it’s labeled as “love,” you read it and abide
You do your part but nothing is reciprocated
You give all you have until you’re completely empty

You wouldn’t know love if it punched you in the face

Fuck you

He’s sleeping, and I’m breaking
The voice in my head returns to remind me that I want a cigarette for the 46th time in the last hour

What has become of me?
I toss and turn, beating myself for betraying certain aspects of me that I worked so hard to maintain for so long–
They were stripped away so carelessly and easily because I was vulnerable to the rush of rebellion

Sometimes when you love someone, you let yourself go
It’s never beautiful

12/07/16

It’s whirling, you know. You feed me like a spoon-fed child; I am unaware of what I’m consuming–or what is consuming me.

You are the very touch that burns on contact. My instinct is to withdraw, but here I am, scorching repeatedly.

It’s repetitive, you know. I have become everything I’ve ever stood frozen in front of.

 

 

12/05/16

You were supposed to be an escape. Everything that I was running from just showed up right on my doorstep. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, or what I wanted to become of this.

I trusted you. I let you in when all else failed. I came to you to take the pain away. But how can I expect to be granted a release from the altercations within me when there is nothing in you but a wicked reflection of my very tragedies?

You can’t cure misery by swimming with misery’s finest companion.

When you expect the ocean to wash away your pain, the salt in the water will just burn your wounds.

11/07/16 Looking

There are nights that I lay in my bedroom screaming out “Where are you?”
But I don’t even know who I’m looking for

My chest feels hollow and my brain swells around my thoughts
I’m lost

Am I looking for someone else within these empty walls or am I just so desperate to find myself?

I don’t know who you are, where you’re at, or when I’ll find you, if you exist at all

You and I

11/01/16 Empire

We built an empire
We burned it to the ground
You loved me through sickness
And I loved you less
My mind was made up
I left you alone

I dream of you missing me, though you do not
You trust me none, and you vow me the worst person you’ve loved

I broke myself
You tried so hard to hold me together and keep me safe from my own decisions
But I have the heart of a fool, and my mind knows nothing better

You aren’t here to save me from myself

08/10/16 Maybe

Smoke rolled off of my tongue
I felt the complexities of anything and everything knocking desperately on the walls of my being
I was breaking into the newly discovered hatches held under layers of existences
With all the help of my sullen thoughts,
love was to thank

Maybe I’d leave

The friction that my mind bares with blurry instances is held captive beside my skeptic realizations
He reached over and clutched my thigh
Inside his grasp I felt suddenly painless

Maybe I’d stay

Maybe

08/03/16 Muse

I lingered back in fear of her seeing the true gunmetal encompassed between the towering walls within my shallow mind
She drew circles around me but I could not sense the direction in which I was supposed to be heading
I knew that this time I couldn’t allow her to lure me into the obscure whispers she heard every night from outside her windows
I came to the conclusion that her sanity was as far fetched as another life-bearing vessel within the smooth, empty waters that flooded my brain
The wavering riptides swallow me whole every time I find myself stirring at the surface of something contemporary
She leaves me wondering, drawing me in as I try so desperately to hang back until I can plant my feet
She leaves me awake at night to confront my own neglected stances while she nevertheless strings me like a marionette
She is my fuel behind a biddable fire, the cause of my cicatrix, and the cure

Muse

07/28/16

You weren’t meant to go there
But you did
You weren’t meant to leave her there,
But you weren’t meant to have her at all

The circles you sent her in
The spirals, she fell hopelessly a victim to
You weren’t meant to break her,
But you did

You took her and you let her go
Now she wanders hopelessly
Shackled to her thoughts and utter resistances,
A prisoner of herself

You weren’t meant to have her,
But you did

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